The Mayhem in Medford: Medford’s Most Wanted.

The other day I received a call from one of Medford’s most well known outlaws, Brian Carns, who asked me if I wanted to come by the tree farm to split some wood before Medford officials ban it town wide. Knowing that Brian might try and front me some firewood so his brother David can later shame me in the media, I went prepared with a check for $450 in hand, but I was intent on saying no to the attempted set up. It wasn’t so much the twin brothers I was worried about though, no, it was their handicapped 81 year old commercial truck kingpin of a mother, Carolyn Carns, that made me tremble in fear.

Just last week I watched as the brave and courageous Medford Prosecutor, Chris Koustoris, took down the 81 year old scofflaw as if he was Columbo himself. A sigh of relief was felt across the country when Carolyn said “Guilty”, when asked by the judge what she pleaded to the charges that she obviously didn’t even understand. A celebration broke out at the future home of Magnify Brewing, where Mayor Charles “Beer Drinking Chuck” Watson was seen giving high fives to zoning officer Beth Portocalis, and Solicitor Tim Prime, who we later saw laughing all the way to the bank.

As I passed the solicitor on route 70 on his way to cash the tax payers check, I was stunned by the sight of graffiti in Medford, it was a bloviating hot pink moose that oddly gave me the urge for a donut. Knowing that where you see graffiti, crime is not far away, so I parked on the other side of the street to avoid being seen by the moose, only to realize that the graffiti bandit had also struck the front of the building with a smaller version of the vicious hot pink monster.

As I entered the building to warn people of the danger outside, I was asked by a young lady if she could help me, and I was like “Hell Yeah, you have a 9 foot Moose outside that looks like it’s about to eat Hank Flynn from Fox 29!”. She responded by offering me a free hit of some of that sweet stuff, a delicious chocolate cookie, but I declined knowing that if I accepted the free gift I’d owe a “favor” to the hot pink Moose, so I got out of there and headed over to the infamous tree farm.

When I got to the farm, I noticed that a celebration was taking place, with commercial trucks everywhere, and people having wood splitting contests. I was told it was a dual celebration, first for the Mayor finally ponying up the $450 bucks for the firewood, and secondly because the Neighbor, Susan McBride, had finally had enough of the crazy Carns Family harassing her, and had just moved out.

When David Carns asked me if I wanted to score some firewood, and mentioned that he’d even front it to me, I knew I was in trouble, but just like when a Mafia boss offers you a “gift”, I felt like if I didn’t accept it, something bad might happen. My suspicions were right though, because when I tried to not accept the offer, the commercial truck Kingpin, Carolyn Carns, said in a soft Godfather like voice “You come to farm and refuse my wood on the day of my celebration, is this what I am to understand?”. Fearing for my life, I offered up the check for the $450 so I could avoid being defamed in the media by David calling the press on me, but the leader of the organized tree farm refused and handed me the wood, saying only “You now owe me a favor.”.

The next day I received a call for a blocked number with a voice of an older woman saying only “take out the moose”.


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